2021.10.22 12:00 Travel-Kitty Mom had an affair 18 years ago, I [18M] am the product of it. My dad just informed me of all this, and told me he will not pay for my college, while my siblings got their college experience paid by our dad.
This is a repost. I am not the original poster. This is from u/throwawaynocollege01/
Pretty much the title. I have no idea how to process all this, and I am completely unprepared for what lies ahead :(
Both my older brother and sister went to the same college. My brother graduated two years ago, my sister is set to graduate in two years. Both had their college paid by our dad. Dad paid all their college expenses, including rent, food, their cars, pocket money, you name it.
My brother has a job now, his own place, lives together with his fiancee, and has his life together.
My sister already has a good paying job, and my dad still pays for almost everything for her.
I got accepted to the same college, which was always the plan, and was looking forward to talk with my parents about the next steps, and ask them to help me the same they did for my siblings. I always assumed they had money put aside for my college the way they had for my siblings.
Instead I was met with a story about my mom's cheating, how I am the result of her cheating, and how my dad is not willing to support me any more moving forward.
Dad told me that mom had 18 years to let me know and prepare me for the future, but obviously she never did. He said it was never is place to say anything since I am not his son, and didn't want to interfere with mom's parenting.
Apparently my grandparents know I am not dad's biological son, but they haven't bothered to tell me anything either.
My siblings had no idea, and they are as surprised as I am because there was never a hint of anything being off. I might be naive, but I always thought I had a great relationship with my dad. We go to see sports together, we go fishing together, he tutored me when I had difficulties with math (dad is an engineer), he taught me to drive. I never got a hint he stores resentment towards me. I mean, he gave me my name, and has explained what my name means, and he was very proud of it. It's a story he tells from time to time. He likes to talk about stuff like that about me.
My mom has never said a word about anything, and apparently she was supposed to have "the talk" with me, but she never did.
I feel abandoned and unprepared for what lies ahead. I am not even sure I will be able to go to college any more, I always assumed my parents will pay for it. I never had a job, and I am not sure what job I can even get to support me through college, I have no idea how to apply for loans.
All my mom has done is cry and apologize. But nothing of substance, she has no idea how to help me.
I don't even know if I am welcomed home any more, it's all up in the air, I feel shame leaving my room, and if I will be asked to move out I don't know where to go. I don't have any savings, maybe $400 put together.
I am angry at my mom, I am confused about where I stand with my dad. There's a man out there who is my father that never wanted to have anything to do with me. I feel rejected and I have no idea what to do to fix this situation.
Anyone have any idea what to do here?
Do I apologize to my dad? What do I say to him?
Idk, I've been stuck in my room these past few days, reading and browsing reddit. I have no idea what to do.
Edit: Comments are coming in faster than I can reply, but I am making a list with all the advice about financial aid, health insurance, getting my own phone plan, etc, things I didn't even think about before. Thank you everyone.
I will try to answer as much as I can, but there's more comments than I can handle.
Sorry to disappear, nothing bad happened to me.
Managed to talk with my mom yesterday, but I chickened out half way through what I had to say :(
The good news is that I am not being kicked out, or disowned, etc.
Thank you for all your support, everyone, I will follow through and call financial aid at my college in a few hours, and take it from there.
My grandpa had a stroke a week ago, and my dad is helping my grandma with setting up a live in nurse, so he wasn't around yesterday.
I will let you know how I manage.
Thank you again.
Sorry for not updating, my grandpa passed away yesterday morning.
Nothing happened to me, but my situation is a secondary concern right now. Regardless, I think I will be alright, thanks to your amazing support and help.
My sister is aware of everything, and told me not to worry, she has my back and I have her support.
I promise to update when and if there are any significant changes, right now I need to support my grandma.
Thank you again to everyone.
Hey guys, and update has already been posted here. Please don't message me so angrily any more.
I am not sure if it's what's you want to hear, but things are more or less back to a "normal" state, if you consider other events.
Unfortunately, my grandpa died at the beginning of this week, and I am still processing it.
I did manage to talk with both my mom and dad, and I know where I now stand in relation with them, as well as my siblings.
I am not sure I would have had the courage to say what I had to say if not for the amount of help and advice in the comments.
I think it is safe to say both my parents love me, and what happened two weeks ago was an overreaction to a fight between my parents. It makes me uncomfortable knowing I am not aware of my own environment, but a stranger in the comments can tell me what's happening in my life with only a few lines of text from my side. A lot of comments were spot on about what is happening in my life.
I have so far went through 40% (I estimate) of the comments, but I have given up, there are too many for me to keep up with.
The conclusion is that I am definitely going to college, it will be the college I have always wanted to go to, and I will have the same experience as my siblings. The money to pay for all this already exists, my family is not going bankrupt as suggested, my dad just had a mental breakup with all the issues around my grandpa and his fight with my mom.
Even if my dad would have went through with his decision, my grandma let me know my grandpa left me and my siblings a sum we will have to split between the three of us, but enough to put me through college.
What started the entire scandal was poor timing on my part, my parents just had a fight, and then I showed up "hey, pay for my college".
My parents were talking about us, their children, and mom said something to the lines of "to think you wanted to split up when I came back pregnant", or something like that, I was not there, this is what she told me. I guess dad was talking how proud he was of his children, and mom wanted to express her "gratitude" for dad raising me as his own, and dad took it as "the affair was the best decision I ever made" or something like that. And their fight escalated from there, and mom told dad something like "what makes you think any of them are yours".
Yeah, it went downhill from there fast. Shortly after that my dumb face showed up, and here I am.
Dad and mom have since made up, mom is still a mess, dad is not handling my grandpa's passing away too well either.
I did talk with my siblings, and my sister raised a storm and rode it here while blasting my parents on the phone, ha ha. My brother was calmer, but made his feelings known in no uncertain terms as well once he got back home.
My grandpa passing away sort of kept spirits calm, I guess, and shifted the focus to dealing with that.
Reading the comments was a mind opening experience. I felt unprepared for the world out there. Many have asked how I had no idea how to apply for loans or grants. Well, in my defense, when you go year after year after year knowing you have nothing to worry about, that your college as good as paid for already, you don't really have to worry about anything else. Of course I knew there are loans and other things students have to be aware of, but it didn't apply to me.
I went from "I am going to college, can't wait" to "you're not my son and I will not pay for your college" in less than 24 hours.
Others have been prepared for this, at the very least they knew they had to get a loan, or get a job, look for a place to live, and so on. For me it was a sudden change in reality.
Going through the comments I managed to put a list together with various "tips and tricks", what jobs are available for students, how to find a place to live, how to get a credit card, a bank account, a cell phone plan, and so on. Really good stuff that I think, even after the return to normal, will help me.
My parents have been called more names then they go by, and that was uncomfortable to read, and I haven't even read all comments. I can't even imagine what else lies in the comments, waiting.
Dad is very sorry, apologetic, about his reaction and behavior. I understand his reaction, but I still feel hurt by it. I understand he was not in the best place of mind, but I can't control my feelings either. We will be alright, and this hasn't irreparably damaged our relationship.
Mom hasn't handled everything that well. But she is coming around, and she answered some more questions for me.
When mom had an affair years ago, and got pregnant with me, my parents started divorce. Mom moved in with the man she had the affair with, but after a few months that guy decided he wants nothing to do with it. He kicked mom out, and she had nowhere to go. So my grandparents took her in, because she was still the mother of their nephews grand kids (I am getting a lot of heat for this "mistake", but know in my family's culture, grandparents call their grand kids nephews as well). Mom and dad got back together, after a lot of work, dad took me as his own, and that's my life since then.
The man who is my natural father is not in the picture any more. Dad didn't really know who he is, and mom hasn't heard or seen him ever since. He was fully aware mom was pregnant with his child, I guess he had more important things to do. But it doesn't sound like he was about to cure world hunger, she met him in a bar, not at a fund raiser.
And I don't feel a need to know any more about who he is. I thought about the matter the last two weeks, since I've been aware of everything, and haven't really felt a desire to know who he is, where he is, if he is still alive, if I have other siblings out there.
I was suggested to go and buy a DNA kit from 23andme, maybe I can find him that way, but I think I will avoid doing this specifically so I don't find him or he finds me. As far as I care, I have a mom and dad and a brother and a sister, and that's my family.
Moving forward I do plan of getting a job, and becoming more independent, but not in an attempt to distance myself from my family, but to feel like I would not be lost in the world if my family suddenly disappears.
My mom admits I've been babied way more than my siblings, and that they should have prepared me more for what's coming next.
I did learn where I stand with my family, and it's safe to say that I am loved, and I have options. I thought I am isolated, but my world is wider than I thought. Grandparents, siblings, my aunt, my cousins, all have my back.
I think my parents are human, and they make mistakes, and even though this was not their greatest moment, I think I will look at everything as nothing more than a weak moment in an otherwise wonderful relationship.
Edit: in my family's cultural background, grandparents call their grand kids nephews as well. Stop calling me names, it was not a mistake, please.
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